When I first broke up with R there were a few days when I slightly freaked out about the fact that I had changed such a big part of my life and obviously, I worried about whether it was the right decision. I am sure that’s perfectly normal.
A few months later and I know it was the right decision, I feel more in the right place and I am not constantly questioning whether I am doing the right thing. I felt guilty for a while that I felt pretty fine considering that I had just come out of a four year relationship, but that surely just confirms that coming out of it was the right thing to do. People did get hurt, so it’s natural to feel guilty. At the same time, it was the right thing to do, so I shouldn’t waste too much time feeling guilty about doing it.
It was also difficult to accept that R might never really understand why I broke up with him. While I tried to be as clear as possible when it was happening, I know that he fixated on some things I said more than others.
This is difficult, because then I think of what his family and friends must be thinking of me and what R has told them. But I can’t sit them all down and explain it to them point by point. I think a big part of being able to move on is accepting that your reasons may not be represented as they really were, that there will always be an element of misunderstanding, because it’s emotions and feelings you’re dealing with, and they can be hard to explain.
I think another thing I found hard is that because a lot of my friends are guys, I know how upset they get when they get hurt by the people they like. I’d always shake my head and say those silly people don’t know what they’re missing, I’d never do that to a guy! But now I kind of have and now I have had to see all those situations in a slightly less biased and one sided way. I am not this girl who would never hurt a guy that cared about her, because sometimes that happens. Sometimes it is unavoidable, for some reason I always thought I could avoid that.
At the same time, when I told those same guy friends how I had been feeling and why I ended things they all agreed that I did the right thing, that it was something that was best done sooner rather than later. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is also really bloody hard and unpleasant.
So I am accepting that I had to hurt someone so I could stay true to what I wanted. It’s weird to think that sometimes that is actually the best option.
The Adele song Love in the Dark sums up my feelings so well I felt a little bit emotional the first time I heard it (I failed to find a decent video on YouTube, otherwise I would have shared it). I am a little bit glad she did not play it at Glastonbury because then I probably would have cried all over my friends. That might have been a bit embarrassing.