In what must have been clear out number one million since I finished university (how do I have this much stuff?!), I stumbled upon a bag filled with old notebooks.
They are mostly from the time when I had just finished university, was trying to sort out jobs, trying to work out why I felt unhappy even though I was finally living with my then-boyfriend (maybe because you didn’t really want to be with him Laura?) and just generally struggling to see things clearly.
It’s interesting reading, but also a bit difficult to read with hindsight. Some things seem obvious now, and other things I still haven’t quite worked out.
The career thing is still not worked out even a little bit. But I’m giving myself less of a hard time about it than I used to. I think that the thing that I really enjoy doing is writing and being a bit creative, but that probably won’t be the way that I make my money. So as long as I have a job that I enjoy most of the time and is with decent people (and *cough* that pays a decent wage), which lets me write, feel creative and see my favourite people in my spare time then maybe that would be perfectly fine.
It would be bloody amazing actually! Someone give me one of those jobs please, it’s almost all fit into place!
I think that’s what makes it quite difficult to read these notebooks. I can feel the anxiety, the realisation that life post-university did not fall into place quite as I had imagined and the fear that I had disappointed the people who expected it to go a certain way.
I just want to give the girl who wrote in these notebooks a big hug and tell her that she does work out some of it and that she eventually accepts that some of it will take a while to figure out anyway. She wasn’t crazy or a failure or anything silly like that. She was just going through a tough time finding her feet, something I am sure everyone relates to at some point.